About this time last year, I wrote this post: Enjoy the little things.... I quote one of my favorite songs - Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd. I talk about the time I drove home from my grandpa's funeral, all alone, and this song came on the radio.
But from time to time, this song will magically appear on the radio when I need it most. Like today while I was driving. I debated bringing this up as I don't want to hear people say - "I hope it works out for you" or "I'm sorry" when/if it doesn't. I will begin this by saying, there is no right thing to say to me when I share this news. Perhaps just a like on my FB post will be enough to know someone read it.
But here's the thing.... I am #2 in line for a cadaver kidney today. I found out last night. This is the third call I've received since the end of August putting me on alert. (Because it doesn't really happen like it does on t.v.). First they call and say, hey we have a kidney, but you aren't first in line. So I wait and wait and wait (wondering what I can get marked off the to do list in record time yet still trying to spend time with the kids - does a family laundry folding session count? Because they need clean socks!) Then they call back to say, sorry it went to someone else. And I breathe a sigh of relief that I have more time.
I debated sharing because I don't want to hear, oh I'm so sorry, or it will happen, etc. Not because I don't want support, but because I am truly ok with it going to someone else. Because that someone is in a greater need than me. However, people can't seem to understand that and tend to make me feel guilty for not wanting it more for myself than I do for the person who actually received the kidney.
I sit here, waiting for a call that will only come if the person who is #1 on the list gets prepped for the surgery and right before placing multiple organs into him/her, the surgeon discovers that one of them is not suitable for transplant. They will cancel that surgery, that person will wake up only to discover he/she did not get the organs. And a kidney will be flown to Chicago for me.
Everyone is so excited for this cadaver kidney to come to me - but what about the family of the one who lost his/her life? Or the person ahead of me on this list, who is probably in greater need of this than me. There are many reasons why I wanted to go the living donor route - and those are two big ones for me.
My surgery will only happen when the time is right. That may not be today, and I am ok with that.