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The Age of Innocence



It didn't hit me until I was in the car, alone. The kids were with their grandmas or at kindergarten.  I looked up at the sky, and noticed for the first time how the cerulean blue was dotted with balls of fluffy white clouds.  I was struck by the beauty and wonder of it.

The same beauty and wonder that Connor had noticed about 30 minutes before when I was trying to hurry them along, filled with frustration and anxiety over being late.  It is the first day of school where I work. If you aren't early, you are stuck in the traffic of 100 students who are late for their first day of class, trying to find a parking spot. You have to park far away from your building. It is Connor's third day of kindergarten, and the bell rings at 7:50 for the kids to line up and head to their classrooms.  His lunch was not made (had to warm the pasta this morning), my salad dressing was not ready, my hair was not done, and my pajama shirt was still on.  Mommy this, and Mommy that was all I heard.

Despite two other adults being present for most of the morning, the children have an aversion to someone other than their mommy doing things for them. I had to iron a shirt (I dyed my hair instead of folding laundry last night), make Connor his oatmeal, take Keira potty, find Colin's bear, pack a backpack, get Connor dressed, fix Keira's skirt, place Colin's lovey directly on his pillow in his OCD way, find my heels which Keira was walking around wearing, and try to make it out the door by 7:05. Which, by the way, did not happen. 

All the while this was going on, Connor was talking about how he saw Pluto in the clouds.

As I took Colin to the car, the other two (and Grammy) followed us to look at the clouds.

Lots and lots of fluffy whiteness speckled the sky is shapes and figures to be imagined.

Yet I didn't see a damn one.

A mommy fail.

Too busy wrapped in my head to notice what was really going on around me. I feel almost ashamed to post this because I am a disappointment.  Why wasn't I holding their hands and pointing out what I saw to them? Why wasn't I laughing with them when Keira said she saw Minnie, and Connor saw Pluto and Mickey? Why wasn't I holding Colin up, explaining to him what was going on? Why am I always so hard on myself to be the perfect mom who never runs late and meal plans and has a perfectly organized home with no toys out of place?

I wish I had a great answer to sum up this post. But I'm tapped out.

I'll just wait for tomorrow morning, admist the chaos and clouds, and despite whatever is going on, stop and look up at the sky with my children.

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